seasons out of time
There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
they say wat u eat is wat u are. maybe it's true. my mom noes i like dark choc and she bought me this lindt one tt is 85% cocoa. i tried one piece and gosh.. was it bitter. needless to say i onli ate one piece.
kinda reflects who i am.. if u think abt it. i dun like milk choc.. alwaes found it too sweet. white choc is worse. jus like the wae i alwaes complain tt my life is too boring.. nothing exciting or interesting happens. candice at least has jasline and her hordes of fans to make her life like a toilet bowl. mine has alwaes been a bath tub.
but too bitter and i can't even taste the sweetness. i sound realli hard to please haha. maybe i am but tt's beside the point. i think i'll jus break down if things get too hard. i dun think i'm the kind of person who thrives better when the challenges are greater. there has to be an optimum amt of hardship.. and my optimum is pretty low i think.
Sunday, September 28, 2003
i tot tt the singapore association here was going to take us ard to familiarise us with the place todae at 10. so i arrived at hillhead underground at 945.. thinking tt i had 15 min to spare. by 1010 i figured tt something -must- be wrong. it's not possible for -everyone- to be late. so i checked the sms i got from charlotte... and realised tt the thing was supposed to be ydae.
i am wondering how i'm going to survive here. i was wrong when i said tt i can onli depend on myself and God from now on. i can onli depend on God.. not myself. definitely not myself. the last time i depended on my own memory and judgement with no outside help and prompts was when i sent yingmin off. and tt time i reached the airport 2hrs earlier. which is actually better than being one dae late.
oh and i went to a church todae.. siu kwan's bf's church. siu kwan fyi.. is a 4th yr medic.. and also one of the nicest pple i have ever met in my whole life. she's been taking care of me ever since i arrived here in this angmoh-filled place. and her bf's name is baldwin. tt's his birthcert name btw. he's a hongkonger.. which -may- explain his parents' preferance for names..
aniwae.. the church is a branch of a church in singapore.. not tt i've heard of it. calvary charismatic church. it's 80% asians.. and the pastor is a singaporean. after the church service i went to this christian fellowship for international students.. where i met lots of singaporeans.. and malaysians.. and an indonesian. (plus a few other nationalities.) and i realised how big the chinese minority is in glasgow. which puts me slightly more at ease.. and brightens my mood a little. haha. they're realli nice pple.. friendly.. and eager to help in aniwae. (tho not as nice as siu kwan obviously.)
this is quite out of point.. but i haf to sae it. i dun think i'll get attached while i'm here. my mom's been warning me not to get attached until i'm in my 4th yr at least. tho i am so sure i wun.. it still irked me tt someone who got married when she was 20 is telling me not to get attached till i'm 22. okaaaeee. aniwae the point is it's totally improbable for me to get attached while i'm in glasgow. i mean.. u jus have to look ard here to realise tt la. gedwadimean?
back to the point.. went to church.. and it struck me tt perhaps it's realli God's plan for me to be here. maybe this is the place i'll grow in maturity. (it's inevitable when u have to take care of urself.) right now i'm still far from independence. i'm irritated by myself but i can't help it. not when someone as nice as siu kwan is there to take care of u and to help u wif every little thing. she's like my da jie here haha. which is nice.. in a veri childish sorta way.
back in singapore.. i sometimes wish i'm attached. haha and for all the wrong reasons.. coz i noe i'm totally not ready for a relationship.. seeing how immature i am. sometimes when i'm walking ard orchard i'll see cute little things tt i can onli buy if i haf a bf.. and i'll wish i haf one. or when i need someone to help me wif something or to accompany me to some place and no one is available.. i'll wish i haf a bf to do everything i say.
here in glasgow i feel it more often. i'm alwaes alone.. and i'm virtually frenless. i dun mean acquaintances of coz.. i'm talking abt close frens and frens i'm comfortable wif. and every few hrs i'll wish i haf someone to be wif me and keep me company and and make me feel loved and keep me warm. and this feeling sucks. esp since i noe tt it's impossible to get a bf in this angmoh-filled place.
but it's ok.. soon sch will start and i'll make a point to be friendly. and make lots of frens. 5 yrs is a long time and i'm not going to spend them frenless. i mean.. if i could have frens like those i haf in 3g.. why can't i haf frens as well here? rite? rite.
this is getting too long.. and i still dun haf internet access. typing all these on notepad. haiz. wait till i matriculate.
Saturday, September 27, 2003
i jus realised how dependent i am on the pple ard me. as in.. i've never tot tt i was a veri mature and independent person.. my frens and family have made sure i realised tt. but now tt i'm here in glasgow.. i realised the extent of my dependence on others.
back home my parents are alwaes there.. reminding me to drink more water.. sending and fetching me.. telling me wat to do and wat not to do. even my frens take care of me. maybe tt's why i alwaes hated walking ard orchard by myself. to a certain extent my decisions and actions are based on my frens' opinions. they're alwaes there to remind me of things.. to give advices abt things.. to help me do things.. to jus be there to reassure me tt someone will be there if i need any help.
and now i'm all alone. it's scary. esp when i realise tt i haf totally no one to depend on here.. jus myself.. and God. in all my nearly-19 years i have never been alone. and frankly i'm disgusted wif myself.. for not being independent.. for alwaes wanting to rely on someone else.. for needing someone else's existence to make me feel at ease. it's gross.
jus the other dae i was walking along byres rd.. and there was this guy walking beside me. and i wanted to hold on to his arm so much coz he reminded me of my father. i miss my father. i used to alwaes hold on to his arm.. and he'll complain tt i'm making him feel hot. now it's even colder.. and i realli realli want to hold on to someone.
oh well.. maybe it's time for me to learn to be independent. it's going to be hard.. i noe tt alreadi. but maybe it's for the best..
Monday, September 15, 2003
went to ntuc this morning.. with my grandmother mom and cousin. and i saw rayson tan there. (this is embarrassing.. not as tho i saw tom cruise.. ha). and he brought his baby son along. er.. maybe not baby.. toddler. younger than my cousin a little la.
den i left my cousin abt a few metres away from me.. coz i was taking some toilet paper. and rayson tan passed by wif his kid. and den the kid started reaching out to my cousin. (that boy is dem cute.. looks like the baby version of steven ma hahaha.) so rayson tan asked him to shake hand wif my cousin. whoa.. i was so fascinated.. next time she grows up alreadi i'll tell her she played wif a celebrity's son. hahaha.. i'm so star struck. embarrassing. i dun even dare to go over la.. hid behind the toilet tissue and watch.
den after tt we bumped into them again. they were queuing up at the cashier. i was near the cashier.. and den the steven ma baby started reaching out to my cuz.. so rayson tan wanted to push the trolley over to our trolley but keep blocking other pple from crossing.. so in the end i moved over to nearer the cashier la. and den they started touching each other.. i wonder why babies like touching other babies.
my cuz realli embarrassed me la.. at home she talks so much.. all kinda rubbish. there i told her to say bye also she dun want. haiz.
i still remember i used to like rayson tan when i was in pr sch.. when he was acting in the yan luo wang show. haha. saw him den start getting so star struck.. see tcs actor alreadi lydat. haha i feel so embarrassed.
Thursday, September 11, 2003
got back last nite actually. wanted to write but my mom forced me to go to sleep. was a tiring dae.
i accidentally took someone else's baggage ydae. it looked exactly like my grandma's one. and i alreadi asked my grandma, "is it this one?" and she went, "yes". actually i saw an identical one a few bags behind.. tt's why i asked my grandma to confirm. neither of us saw this tag that has the real owner's name and contacts haha.
it was quite funny actually. coz even at home when my grandma wanted to open the bag none of us realised tt it was the wrong bag.. none of us saw the tag. it was a combination lock kinda bag.. so when my grandma couldn't open it even tho she tried her combination a lot of times she got real pissed. so my aunt offered to try the combinations one by one for her. and after a while she went, "done alreadi." and everyone was, "whoa so zai.. wat number?" "057." den my grandma opened the bag up and was amazed to see an office bag and some guy clothes inside. haha.
so i had to return the bag to the baggage services department at the airport immediately. got scolding for anyhow taking a bag haiz. aniwae the amazing thing is how my aunt managed to open it up. ha. imagine if tt guy's combination code had been 999..
Sunday, September 07, 2003
at lampung now. yeah.. all my reasons for not going didn't seem reasonable to my grandma. oh well.. the journey was baaaaad. it took approx 7hrs from jakarta.
first we (10 of us altogether.. in one huge volkswagon. and the next youngest person in the car after me was my dad.. how fun) went by car to the harbour.. tt alone took 2hrs++. i slept throughout the whole journey.. partly coz it was so hot since the air con couldn't reach all the way to the 4th row where i was sitting.. and partly coz no one was talking to me. thank goodness the ferry happened to be there (they come once every 15min) when we arrived so we jus drove into the carpark in the ferry.
ok.. tt part was -quite- interesting.. seeing tt i've never been on such a huge ferry b4.. one tt can carry abt 50 cars on one level. the huge trucks and lorries carrying foodstuff go to the lowest level carpark.. coz they're heavy i suppose. as i said.. it was quite interesting.. but i'd rather be on a cruise liner..
the journey on the ferry took 2hrs++. we got to get off the car of coz.. and sit somewhere. i slept throughout the whole thing as well.. but after my dad dragged me to the deck to take photos.. like some swa-koo person.
ok.. so after 5 hrs of sleeping.. we finally reached lampung. lampung the kampung realli describes the place. we were at the harbour. which means we have to travel to the city. which took another 2hrs++. i hate travelling.. esp by car.
aniwae.. lampung is a kampung. i'm serious. no matter how my dad tried to convince me throughout the journey in the car tt the city center is different from the outskirts.. i'm convinced it's a kampung. and i'm sad to sae i'm right this time. i mean.. u can't get lost driving from the harbour to the city coz there's onli ONE road.. which is onli wide enuf for 2 cars.. one towards the city, the other away from the city. and each side of the road is all grass and trees. (i took photos.. but haf to wait until i get back to singapore b4 i can upload it.) and the trees were either coconut trees or banana trees. there were others la.. but mostly these two. lampung is supposedly famous for their bananas.. the rest of indonesia get their bananas from lampung.
we stopped at this roadside restaurant to eat at abt 3.. we left hse at 8 btw. i got off the car feeling real groggy. 7 hrs of travelling!!! aniwae i was complaining to my dad and giving him a i'm-suffering-real-bad-u-better-feel-sorry-for-me look. and den the rest of the pple who were travelling together wif me saw. my aunt actually. and so they all tot i was feeling sick. which is true.. i'm kinda carsick. but not tt sick u see. but den they were like, oh no are u ok? u better sit down. wat's wrong wif u? i'll get u some tea. etc etc. it's quite bad of me.. but i jus went along wif the whole thing. haha.
reached the hotel at 4.. rested for abt an hr.. den i bathed and got ready for the wedding party. my dad actually went to swim for half an hr.. i'm amazed.
so now i'm back from the wedding. the bride and the groom are going to live in singapore. they had a singaporean address in the wedding invitation. big difference.. lampung and singapore. my grandma was saying tt lampung is quite nice.. it's really clean. i was like, u're kidding.. this is called clean? wat's singapore?
i can't wait to go back to jakarta. heh.. home sweet home. singapore? hmmm.. i dunno. there's no mosquitoes there.. so tt's a real big plus pt. i get bitten abt 10 times a day here.
Saturday, September 06, 2003
came back from surabaya a couple of days ago. went to batu.. the weather there is realli good.. bright sun and cool wind.. reminds me of the time we went to aust on the geog trip.
aniwae i've been eating so much these few days i think i'm getting indigestion.. and gaining weight as well. haiz. ydae my grandma started talking abt how short i am. i'm 165 for goodness' sake!!! tt's normal la.. not short. ok.. maybe it's short if compared to my mom's and dad's height.. i'm the runt of the family. den my uncle went, no la she's not short, jus fat, so she looks short. ........ thanks a lot. but den again.. it's probably true.
supposed to go for a wedding dinner again todae. haiz. i realli dun wanna go.. but i suppose i have to accompany my grandma. i dun even noe the pple getting married la.. wat's the point rite. and there's another wedding diner tmr.. but not in jakarta.. it's in lampung.. a place i've never even heard b4 until a few days ago. and lampung sounds a lot like kampung. haha.
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