seasons out of time

it's 8.15 and i jus came back from dinner. i took 2 hrs to haf my dinner. the eating part took half an hr at most. the chatting part took the other 1 and a half. we were the last ones out of the dining hall.. and the chef had to chase us out. and even then we sat down outside the dining hall and continued talking. but realli.. i dun find it a waste of time. i would haf back in singapore.. but not now. this is the -onli- social activity i haf.. and i find it veri beneficial for my emotional state of mind.

aniwae.. i realised tt ever since i came here, i haf been told countless times tt i haf a nice name. i tell u it's the hoo factor in my life. haha. ever since he said i have a 'really pretty' name.. pple started telling me the same thing. =) haha.. it's hard to be serious when i'm on the subject of mr hoo. i noticed it's never the asians who tell me tt. it's alwaes the angmohs. i wonder why.

and another point.. asians find it so hard to pronounce my name. why?? it's pronounced the wae it's spelt!! no-va-lia. how hard can tt be?? they're having no problem calling me by my correctly-pronounced name here..

p/s: jus read thru wat i've written. i do sound a bit more cheery. it's wonderful wat a bit of social life can do for me.. (sounds familiar? haha.. the milo advert.. it's wonderful what milo can do for you!)

"strength is not measured by how well you hold back your tears..
it's measured by the tears u shed when no one's looking."

do u think it's true?

sometimes i think it is true. being able to hold back ur tears jus implies veri gd self control.. n control over ur lacrinal glands. but when no one's looking.. u dun haf to pretend to be strong anymore. that's when ur true strength is shown.. to urself.

den again.. does an aching heart mean that u are weak? do tears symbolise weakness? (that's a stereotype isn't it? like how a guy is considered a sissy if he cries.) is a person who doesn't cry at all stronger than a person who cries? or is strength measured by something else..

i tot maybe strength is measured by how u cope.. how u carry on with life no matter wat u face. but tt can be resignation as well. u dun haf a choice.. life goes on whether or not u like it. coming to terms with ur life earlier than another person doesn't exactly make u stronger.. it jus means u've been enlightened earlier.

so how is strength defined exactly? wat kind of person is a strong person? someone who doesn't feel? someone who doesn't cry? or is strength non-existent in the first place? maybe strength is jus a conception that man made up. maybe at the end of the day, no one is strong. cos wat we have.. and wat we are.. are all provided by God.

i found out something realli funny today.

was having lunch wif some frens and their frens this afternoon. and somehow we started talking abt languages (since we all came from all ard the world). fenia (at least tt's how i think it shld be spelt) came from greece.. and i asked if she spoke greek. and she said yes. and we started telling one another wat languages we spoke.

and den fenia said, "u noe how pple say 'it's greek to me' when they dun understand something? in greece, we say, 'it's chinese to me'.." hahahaha.. tt was so amusing. i never tot of tt phrase from a greek's perspective. they can't possibly say it's greek to them.

oh well.. u learn something new everyday. (in case u're wondering.. yeah that's THE something new i learnt today. i learnt nothing else the whole day.)

i jus got my icc card.. and spent the whole morning calling pple.. my mother, my father, my two grandmothers, my cousins. one whole morning wasted like tt.. but den again, i wouldn't call it a waste.

aniwae.. something hilarious happened. i was checking on my washing downstairs.. when two of the cleaning ladies came along and started talking to me. (they're realli nice frenly pple who alwaes smile n sae hi when they see me..) and the older one was telling me, "u noe the cushion u haf in ur room.." i was like.. huh? wat cushion? and den i realised she was talking abt my bolster.

den she continued, pointing at her fren, "she was cleaning ur room when she came to me and said, there's something wrong wif the student.. she's not moving. so i went to ur room and i bent over the bed and said, hello? hello? we realised it was ur cushion when i gave it a push.."

tt was so funny. i couldn't help laffing to myself whenever i think of it. aniwae there's this awful fly tt keeps buzzing ard my room. it refuses to go out. urgh.

from now on.. until i feel un-sad again.. i shan't mention any emotions or feelings. den at least i can pretend it doesn't exist.

i was listening to the cd tt my bro burnt for me.. the jumpy happy kinda gospel songs. it was an attempt to make myself more cheery. it's dem weird.. but it made me think of my church n the pple in my church instead. there was this hillsong song tt i dunno the title.. the lyrics goes, "so blessed i can't contain it. so much you've gotta give it away. Your love taught me to live now. You are more than enough for me." and we used to sing this song quite often during youth service. and strangely i started missing the youth pple (not as tho i'm close to any of them.. i dun even noe most of them).

the power of music. haha. dun u agree? tt u'll jus unconsciously think of someone or something when u hear a particular song. which reminds me of emil chau's song.. you mei you na me yi shou ge.. i tot tt song makes a lot of sense. cos songs do make pple think of someone. (note to jasline: you can haf the honour of being in my thoughts whenever i hear rick price's heaven knows.. cos of tt yellow note u wrote me in sec 2...)

aniwae. back to the point. i went to yahoo and searched for my church. and it actually appeared right at the top of the results page. was i amazed. it actually looked quite pro.. u can register as a member and stuff as well. the onli problem is.. none of the links are working cos the site was still underconstruction. ha. thank God i bookmarked the site.. cos after tt i searched for it again.. and it didn't appear at all. i typed the exact phrase etc.. but i jus couldn't find it on yahoo anymore. i realli believe tt nothing is coincidental.

made my church website my home page.. so i can check it out everydae to see when it'll actually be ready. heh.

it's a periodic thing.. asking myself why on earth i decided to come here. it's at times like this tt i think i'll be willing to stay in nus and study anything they give me. i wanna go home.. not jus for hol.. i wanna go home for gd. i dun want to stay here anymore. it's too hard. i'm not strong enuf.

i haven't had this so bad since my mother n grandmother left. it's so so hard. i dunno how i'm going to cope 5 yrs of this. 5 yrs is too long. i wanna go home.

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i'm sick. think i caught a cold last night. this is sad. i'm wallowing in self pity now.. which isn't gd.. but let me indulge myself in self pity once in a while. i'm sick with no one to care for me.. no family no frens. i can jus faint in my room and no one will noe. haiz..

had a veri weird nightmare last night. do u realise tt u alwaes get weird nightmares when u're sick? and u'll be going in and out of ur sleep throughout the whole night. i can't even remember wat i dreamt of.. jus tt it was veri traumatic.. made me feel like i cannot cope. i slept all the wae till noon.. didn't even wash my clothes todae.. will do it another dae.

in the mood for a sad sad song now. shall change the song on my blog soon. wanted to change it to the guo jin an song.. but it's too happy. such a hyper song. not suitable for me. will upload tt song another time.

i hate going home myself. i realli do. it emphasises the loneliness of my existence here. walking to the bus stop alone.. waiting at the bus stop alone.. sitting in the bus alone.. getting off the bus alone.. walking to my room alone. going home is such a simple term.. but it encompasses a lot of steps.. and i'm doing all of them alone. by the time i get back to my room.. my mood has gone all the way to the bottom.

so u noe when u guys say i'm dem spoilt etc etc cos i alwaes ask my mom to fetch me.. it's not bcos i'm spoilt or lazy. i jus dun like going home alone. i hate the feeling of having nothing to do apart from walking and waiting. it's a totally brainless action. (ok.. technically tt's flawed.. we do need out brain to walk and to wait.. but u get the drift.) it makes me feel so alone. i pass by so many places.. so many pple.. and in contrast to the big busy world out there.. i'm so small and alone.

the onli thing i wanna do when i reach home is to play sad music.. to compliment my mood. which doesn't help at all since it onli serves to amplify this sadness tt lingers in the room. haiz. not gd at all.

i realised tt i got this thing abt pple wearing a pullover over a collar-ed shirt. it's so cool.. in a studious kinda wae. somehow it'll make u look twice at a person u normally can't be bothered to look at. dun u think so? ... or maybe it's jus me. maybe it's bcos of tt comic book.. after school. wonder if jasline remembers it.. i brought it to sch once back in sec 4 and practically translated it word for word for her. tt comic book had this realli big picture wif ben wearing a pullover over a collar-ed shirt.

oh well.. jus some random thots..

i had clinical skills todae.. we stictched up cuts on pig's trotters. haha. it was quite fun. i'm actually quite gd at it haha. they sae tt girls tend to be better at it than guys.. maybe coz guys have clumsy hands? dunno and dun care.

aniwae they showed photos of different kind of wounds as well.. laceration, puncture, etc. it wasn't a pretty sight.. trust me. they showed the photos to us on fridae during a lecture as well.. and there was this guy (veri small sized guy) who fainted!! probably bcoz the photos were too much for him. (or maybe he was jus sick.. but even if tt's e case.. i think he's been branded as the guy who fainted bcos of the bloody photos. poor guy..) aniwae it was all veri sudden. ommena was sitting behind him.. and supposedly, his head jus went downwards and hit the table. i onli saw the guy sitting next to him stand up and signalled to the lecturer. and guess wat.. there were pple who actually laffed. not veri sensitive huh. back to the point, it was a first aid and trauma lecture.. so they actually had two real first-aiders waiting at the entrance of the lt (they were supposed to come later for a demonstration of first aid.. but i guess God has better plans for them..) and these first-aiders were told to come in by the lecturer to take a look at the guy!!! so poor thing.. the whole lt was looking at him..

but the photos were realli gruesome.. whenever i see a realli awful one i'll feel as tho someone is scratching glass.

the clinical skills class was at the royal infirmary.. which is the busiest hospital in glasgow (i think). it's a realli creepy place.. long long corridors tt link to other long long corridors. from the outside it looks more like a castle/museum/university than a hospital.. it is HUGE.. and old as well. no photos to show tho.. i dun carry cameras to sch..

there's this guy in my pbl grp who reminds me of takeshi kaneshiro. dun get the wrong idea.. he's not gd looking. jus tt he gives me the impression of being all limbs. and he has a long face like jin cheng wu as well. they dun look alike.. jus similar in certain ways.

aniwae todae i was walking to sch when i met him. and he asked me, did u haf a gd weekend? (tt's wat all the angmohs ask one another on mondaes..) so i said, yeah. i tot i'd better elaborate or something.. giving one word answers is not veri sociable. so i told him i went to church on sunday. and he suddenly started becoming veri excited and went, u're a christian? and i couldn't help grining at his enthusiasm. i said yes and he started telling me abt how happy he was tt someone in his pbl grp is a christian.. and tt he's so freaked out here coz everyone's morals are so different.. and tt he did wonder b4 whether i am a chrisitan.. etc.

aniwae he seems to be realli nice. the nicest angmoh i've met so far. i suppose in general it's true tt christians tend to be nicer pple. when i say general i mean general la. no offence to non-christians.. there are lots of pple out there who are so nice tt i feel so sad tt they're not christians. and i'm not implying tt christians are all dem nice or anything.. coz i noe of christians who aren't tt nice. but yeah.. from my experience.. in general christians do tend to be nicer to others.

how sad is the life of a single, friendless, familyless person (in other words me). and u feel it most when u're going home. if u're attached someone will send u back. if u haf frens u can choose not to go home. if u haf ur family u haf pple to go back to. but since u're single, frenless n familyless.. u haf nowhere to go but home.. and home is jus u and ur room. and it doesn't help tt it's so cold.. and getting colder everydae. it sheds new light to the meaning of 'cold and lonely'. esp when the wind blows.. oh gosh.. it's so cold ur bones feel it as well. it was 2 degrees on fridae.. wonder how low it got todae.

i bought two books on fridae. so at least now i haf something to do when i get home. i'm trying to make them last by reading a few chapters a dae onli. i can't afford buying new books very other day.

i can't wait to get back to singapore. warm sunny singapore. warm sunny singapore where i have my family. warm sunny singapore where i have my family and frens. 8 more weeks..

God is realli good. the other night i prayed to God so tt He'll make the angmohs be more friendly to me. and guess wat.. the next day my PBL grp pple actually talked to me.. they who alwaes dao me.. they who never ever talk to me. oh gosh. i'm amazed.

and one more thing. this morning when i woke up i prayed to God so tt the laundry will be empty.. so i can do my laundry without waiting. and yeah!!! it's realli empty. and after i washed my clothes even the dryer is not being used!! i am so happy.. hehehe.

i finally learnt how to take the public bus from the hall to sch and from sch back to the hall. haha. i feel so independent now. i've been taking the bus for one whole week now.. from the university back home.. but i've alwaes managed to get off at the wrong stop or walk the wrong direction.

den ydae i realised why people get off at the first bus stop.. (yeah there are two stops right outside the hall.. and the 2nd stop is nearer the entrance.. but i alwaes follow the pple who stay there and get off at e 1st one).. there's a back gate!! ok.. this sounds totally demented. aniwae i decided to walk behind them.. (somehow most of the time i alwaes get off first.. and i dunno why) and i realised tt when they got off.. they turned left instead of right. ha. now i noe. everyday i learn something new.. =)

Sunday morning time to say goodbye
But I'll be holding you soon
Though I'm leaving, girl don't start to cry
I'll be thinkin' of you

It's a lonely ride on the midnight train
I'm counting down the days 'til I'm home again

How can i say when my words ever dry
How can I smile with the tear in my eye
Summer's so lost with raining in June
That's how it feels when I'm missing you

Now time and healing
Another week come by
Girl it feels like years
I've been calling every day and night
How i wish you were here

It's a lonely ride on the midnight train
I'm counting down the days 'til I'm home again

How can i say when my words ever dry
How can I smile with the tear in my eye
Summer's so lost with raining in June
That's how it feels when I'm missing you

I never met a girl who is so this sweet
Can't wait to see you again
I never had a love that was so complete
And you know that I'll be dreaming 'til then

How can I say when my words ever dry
How can I smile with the tear in my eye
Summer's so lost with raining in June
That's how it feels when I'm missing you

everytime i tell someone i'm from singapore she'll ask if i've been here b4.. and i'll say no. and then they'll go, oh.. u're so brave. it didn't jus happen once or twice.. but -everytime- i tell pple tt. and i'm starting to wonder wat was in my mind when i decided to come here.. i noe for sure it wasn't courage or a yearning for adventure or anything close.

now tt i think abt it.. my reasons for coming here were pretty stupid. pple ask me why i chose glasgow.. and i dunno how to answer tt. i can't possibly tell pple tt i decided to come here bcos i didn't want to go to sch so early in the yr. nus starts in aug.. glasgow starts in oct.. so i chose to come to glasgow. i never dared to admit this.. but yeah.. it's the main reason why i came here. no one will believe such a stupid reason.. but tt's the truth.

i'm not brave.. i'm realli not. when i was thinking abt it i did realise tt i will be alone here.. no family.. no frens. but it seemed to be a much easier option to come here than to stay in nus when i think abt the workload. i never realli considered the no-family-no-frens factor. i tot.. i'll still be able to call them and icq them everydae. it never realli struck me tt i'm doing something realli extreme by leaving everyone and everything behind to come here.

but at e end of e dae.. i'm glad i made tt choice. i mean i've alwaes wondered if i made the right choice.. if this is the road tt God has chosen for me.. or a road i have chosen myself. i noe tt lots of different pple haf told me tt both are blessings from God, and being able to choose is alreadi a blessing. God allowed me to choose the path tt i want to travel. but even when i was here.. i still wondered if i shld haf stayed in singapore instead. classes have started now.. and i'm starting to realise tt i've probably made the right choice. no matter how much i've been grumbling abt pbl.. i'm actually enjoying it. i actually like what i'm studying now.. and that's saying a lot.. coz i dun remember liking anything i studied in jc.

did i ever mention tt hilda's sister is here in glasgow? well yeah.. yvonne hu is a fifth yr medic.. and she's realli nice. looks a lot like hilda as well. but shorter (i tot they were the same ht.. but no.. apparently hilda has grown to abt 160 in melbourne).. and slightly darker. hilda used to look like a chipmunk.. and yvonne told me tt her teacher in rgs used to call her beaver. haha.. tt was quite funny.. but oh well.. u get the drift. they kinda look like each other..

aniwae yvonne is realli nice as well. do pple become nicer when they go overseas or something? coz i dun remember pple being so nice back in singapore.

u noe it's scary how muggerish pple are here. the angmohs are scary.. (they do their pbl on the dae itself!! i do it the dae b4 it's due.) and the singaporeans are jus as bad. oh gosh.. i'm terrified. there's no slacker partner here. (candice!! come and pei2 wo3!!) carol didn't go to church this morning coz she had pbl. oh my. i felt so off coz i haven't done it as well. (i'm in the process of doing it now btw.. halfwae there!! yeah!! taking a break first..) and lilin was saying tt she tot i was the mugger toad of the batch.. coz i bought all the textbooks. more like i dun like going to the lib so i bought all the books to make my own lib at home. they're freaking me out la.. "i spent the whole dae ydae researching for pbl." "huh? i tot it's all in tortora?" "not enuf.. i read all the other books first. todae i'll read tortora.." tt's the epitome of muggerism. i wish i haf a roommate who's like tt.. den i'll be motivated to study hard. my roommate is my laptop and no.. she's not veri motivating.. keeps distracting me.

and it's not as if i dun try to mug u noe. i realli envy them. i'm a mugger at heart ok. like i dun go pubbing etc. in other words i haf no life la. tt's wat a mugger's life is. but den time jus flies when i'm in my room trying to study.. and i get nothing done at the end of the dae. i jus can't seem to concentrate.. and it's irritating. it's hard to believe wat i can do in my room the whole dae.. w/o even touching my pbl.

i think todae has got to be the happiest dae i ever had in glasgow. and it didn't realli start veri well.. but ended quite quite well. =)

no sch todae (which makes it an even better dae) so i stayed at the hostel the whole dae. woke up at 10.. den did my laundry. after tt i tried to do my pbl hw.. but didn't get anywhere.. coz my mind alwaes strays.. start fiddling wif things.. calling pple.. playing music.. etc. remembered tt the hall founder's dinner is tonight.. and had no one to go wif.. panicked.. den decided to ask the onli fren i have in the whole hall (nicola) to go wif me. so i left her a note.. slipped it under her door.. coz she had class.

at nearly 5 she called me.. and arranged to meet at 550. so i bathed and got dressed and den went to meet her. was introduced to her frens as well.. some are realli nice. and den we went for dinner. dinner was not tt great.. but the cheesecake was gd. =)

den the highlight of the dae!!.. ceilidh!! (did i spell tt correctly?) it's a scottish dance and it's dem FUN!!! kinda apprehensive at first.. but after a while joined in as well. it's realli realli fun. i am so glad i'm in scotland now. and i am so glad i live in this ulu-ated, isolated place. heh.

oh yeah.. i forgot to mention one pt.. one embarrassing pt actually. (i never fail to embarrass myself in this kind of events..) we were doing the helicopter thing.. and this guy i was wif was dem fast n rough.. guess wat happened. too bad we can't play a guessing game now.. so i haf to tell u the answer. i started spinning on the floor. oh gosh. tt was so embarrassing. but heck. the dance so fast aniwae.. onli pple who weren't dancing saw. haha. not my fault in the first place.. tt guy is dem rough. (wadever.. excuses excuses.. haha)

aniwae.. life doesn't seem so bad now. =) life has its little consolations now and then. God provides.

was reading all the notes n cards tt i brought from singapore. took abt 1hr to read thru them.. had like 100 i think. made me feel slightly better.. slightly more cheerful. some of the notes make me laff dem hard.. (like some crazy person laffing alone in the room). like wailam was saying in one of her notes tt she was listening to the radio and heard glenn ong say "i am realli sorry. and i mean it from the bottom of my pencil case." i remember thinking tt it was dumb and not funny at all when i read it the first time.. dunno why i laffed so hard jus now either. and there's also things like "congratulations for graduating from e dh fan club. abt time alreadi.. wanna crush her might as well crush me". i found tt dem amusing. oh btw tt was candice's contribution. oh and wai was thanking me for helping her collect the geog handouts in one of the notes.. den she added "tho u jus chucked all the extras in my locker".. and i recalled tt dae.. me chucking everything in her locker wif candice.. hahaha.. it was hilarious.

wonder what wailam is doing now. she shld be settled down in london alreadi now. haven't contacted her at all.. dunno if she brought her sg hp.. or if she has a uk hp alreadi.

started thinking abt lots of things.. after reading the notes. abt things tt happen.. things referred to in the notes. pleasant times.. not so pleasant times. i can actually remember how i felt when i first read some of the notes. haha. i haf a veri selective memory.. wonder why i can't remember wat the functions of the kidney are..

i'm kinda amazed actually. i haf virtually -all- the notes i ever received from pple. i'm kinda glad i brought the file of notes along. it was kinda a last min decision. realli last min. i was leaving my room alreadi.. when i jus grabbed the file and stuffed it into my handcarry. aniwae back to the point.. i'm amazed tt i am so organised to haf kept all the notes. usually my things disappear after a while. i haf notes from wae back in sec 2. the first ever note tt candice wrote to me. yeah.. i noe tt coz she said it in the note. haha. wonder if she has the first note i ever wrote her.. tho i can't remember it myself.

zhu sms-ed me a coupla daes ago.. kinda forgot all abt it. sorry zhu. wonder if she's settled down yet. she seems quite excited.. the exact opposite from me. but it figures.. she has a whole new GENeration x to look forward to hahahaha. i'm sure she'll noe wat i mean if she reads this.

i finally realised why my internet is not working. not tt i am stupid and dunno how to follow instructions.. but tt the internet is jus not working here!! how smart. ha. not funny.

they left todae. sad is not the word to describe me. too mild. heck.. i mean i've never been away from home.. ever. i jus came back from the airport.. and feel like crying. but tot abt it.. and decided tt crying is not going to bring them back. i can cry and be alone or i can try to live wif it and be alone. both waes i'll still be alone. and i shld at least sound like i'm ok so tt they'll leave in peace la.

now it's jus me and my laptop. no family.. no frens. suddenly i feel like i'm growing up. haha. realli. the feeling of being totally having to depend on no one else is there.

rite.. off to read the Bible now.. my source of strength in times of need.

seasons out of time

There is no remembrance of men of old, and even those who are yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow.

There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.